WISNUARYOSETIO

Have you ever realized that after all this time, the only person, the only thing you love is yourself? I’ve just realized that tonight. After watching Sex and The City The Movie. Well, I know that was weird, but never mind about that. 

Let me give you one simple example. Every second, a person die in this planet. We know it is happening, right? We also know, that death is scary. Death terrifies us. But why don’t we cry every second? Why don’t we mourn for a soul that should stop searching for something in this world because his time has come? 

And when our lovely pet die (even when you know that you can still buy those lovely bunnies easily at a pet shop) we grieve deeply. We cry. We curse ourselves for being late to give them carrot. And when you stop mourning, you still can’t stop remembering them. Once again, it’s only a rabbit, for God’s sake. But why can’t you just stop crying?

There is one explanation for this. 

We are selfish.

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Let’s imagine that our life is a public company and every people in your life holds a share for it. Usually, the biggest percentage is held by God. And then come the parents, the love-of-my-life, the bestfriends, the arch-enemies, and deskmates, chatmates, online buddies, pets, and the list goes on. When one of them leave, you lost a piece of your life. You lost something. You are not mourning for their lost, but you are sad because your life won’t be this perfect anymore.

And this always happens. You pray five times a day just because you don’t want to be punished in hell. Just because you want to taste those extra-delicious virgins in heaven. You ask for happiness. You ask for a full stomach, for a thick wallet, for a shiny car, for a spacious penthouse. All of them only have one sole purpose: to keep yourself happy. To keep that greedy mind satisfied all the time.

An earthquake hit Padang. You saw people running, asking for help. A tear rolled down from your eyes. Why? Because you asked yourself, “What If I got hit by that Earthquake?” And you can imagine yourself running, asking for help. No one can help you. You’ll be left alone. Our selfish minds don’t want that to happen. That is why you cry. It’s not because you feel sad for them. But it’s more because you don’t want that happen to you. You can’t even imagine if that happen to you.

A song is playing on the radio. You heard the lyrics. And spontaneously you said, “This is so me.”

A yearbook is lying on the table. You open the book, and spontaneously, you skip to your class portion. The first face you want to see is your face, right? Do I look good?

And this article. I know that a lot of people will curse me because of the nasty grammar. But I don’t care. I’ve realized that the next thing you’ll say after cursing this article is “My grammar is better than you.” 

Life is always about me. And me. And me.

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I am being egoistic right now, and I don’t know what I’m saying.

But my life, my writing, my blogs, are all about me. Just me, simply me. I am tired of writing nonsense. I am tired to see people praising my writings as something good, magnum opus, or stuffs. This blog of mine is pure crap. I wrote those articles to keep the readers happy. To keep them satisfied. What for? So that I can be famous. I wanted to be recognized as someone who have a good and inspiring writings.

That time has gone since few months ago. All that left is the old me. The old self who writes just for the sake of writing.

Back then, my blog is the only output I have for expressing my emotions. But since I have Twitter, and Facebook, and 24/7 BlackBerry messenger and Yahoo! Messenger, I don’t have to mumble on my blog anymore. With one push on the trackball, I can PING!!! them to tell them that I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m mad, etc. Suddenly, I feel that they are not enough. I still need a place to release some of my excess emotions that can’t be described in 140 characters. The only thing I have is blog. Unfortunately, I have a lot of blogs. And this blog is the last place I want to fill in.

People used to see me as the whiz-kid who always have a great wisdom. Even my teachers! They are fooled by this blog. And I don’t want to fool them anymore. I don’t want to fool those people who gave comments like “I adore you, you are Indonesia’s next future blah blah” after they watched Perspektif Wimar back then.

This is me. I always repeated swear words like Fuck You or Anjing everyday. I ate too much and I gained too much weight. I stopped writing. I blamed myself all the time. I am more desperate than those Alays wH0 tYp3d Lik3 tHi5. 

I want to stop lying. I want to start writing honestly. I want to start writing things like, “Dear Blog, today was a pretty boring day… You know, blah blah blah.” 

I want to start writing for myself. Not for you. Not for the soon-to-be-a-bestseller-book-yang-sampe-sekarang-ga-ada-kejelasannya-bakal-diterbitin-atau-ngga-sama-sekali.

I used too much I until it becomes very annoying. 

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I love you but I love myself more.

I want to end this but I can’t.